This is what my father, the man I refer to as a sperm donor, looked like over 30 years ago. I had no idea if it was really him when I first found the picture. I had to ask my mom if it was. It was him.
He has a very unique name to be sure. It was just unique enough for me to type it into the Google search bar and get some startling results. He’s not a serial killer or anything like that; I was just able to locate him after a decade of searching.
My father (sperm donor) left me and my mom when I was 4 years old. From what I understand, he left without so much as a goodbye. Just here one day and gone the next.
His leaving in such an abrupt manner set off a cascade of shit that left me with in a position where I now need 3 different pills and a therapist to be able to function daily. Because of him, I have an extreme fear of abandonment. I can’t even call it irrational because guess what? Someone did abandon me before and it was one of the people who was supposed to love and care for me.
He left so early in my life that I had no memory of what he looked like. That’s why I had to ask my mom of that was really him. I have no idea what he sounds like, what his personality is like, nothing. For years my mom and I thought he was dead. Turns out we were wrong. I kinda wish we weren’t; it’s much easier to visit a tombstone.
For now though, through my use of Google, I have not only a picture but an address and even a phone number. I could call him, but that would be way too awkward and result in my anxiety going through the roof. I could also be a real bitch and send him a Father’s day card. (I’m considering this option.) Or, I could do nothing and forever wonder about who this man is, who he was, and why he abandoned me.
I thought I had gotten past the anger and bitterness years ago and had moved on to apathy. I knew I was wrong as soon as I stumbled upon this information and my stomach dropped to the floor. So here I sit, staring at his phone number, wondering if he’d even remember he had a daughter my age or know my name. Will I do anything with this information? Maybe. I don’t know. Right now it’s too early to tell.