While listening to Lemonade by Beyoncé for what seems like the 50th time, I was struck by something. On some level, the album and film are about forgiveness and redemption. That is something most of us figured out the first night once Sandcastles started to play. What hit me hardest was how every chapter of the film applied to my life and my relationship.
I’ve been through the intuition and denial, hoping so hard that what I felt just wasn’t true. Once I found out it was, anger became an old friend. She still visits from time to time. Once the anger fades away apathy and emptiness settle in like a thick fog rolling in across a lake. That’s where things stop for me.
I’m stuck in a cycle of anger, apathy, and emptiness and I can’t seem to get out. I’ve tried to skip the accountability and forgiveness steps and go straight to resurrection, but I’ve found out the hard way it’s not that easy. How can I be born into something new, something stronger and better, if I don’t let go of the past? I need accountability and I must forgive if I want to move on and have hope for the future.
The accountability is important for me because it’s an acknowledgement of what was done to me and the relationship I held so dear. It’s confirmation that no, I’m not crazy and yes this did happen. Most of all, it’s an apology from the person who hurt me. The words “I’m sorry” can mean so much when given sincerely and honestly.
Forgiveness isn’t for the person who hurt me, it’s for me. Forgiveness would allow me to let go of the past and what was done. It would lift a weight off my shoulders that has been there for longer than I care to remember. The only problem for me is I can’t offer that forgiveness without some accountability. If the person who caused me pain can’t admit they did wrong and apologize, I’m stuck in my loop. I’m so tired of running around in circles.
With the help of my mother and my therapist, I’m working towards getting the accountability I deserve. Hopefully, with that, I can finally move to forgiveness and get out of this seemingly endless loop. I want that resurrection, to start over fresh and be born into something new. I want to have hope for the future for the first time in forever. I most definitely want that redemption; to reclaim who I was before all the hurt and the pain and the anger. I want to be free to be me again.