Navigating this world as a fat woman, especially a Black fat woman, is so difficult. In public, everyone expects you to be their Mammy. They come to you with their problems expecting you to pull them into your bosom and pat their head while you quietly reassure them that they are smart and important and oh so lovely. No one is willing to do that for you though.
You’re also the Strong Black Woman who doesn’t need love or reassurance. No, you’re just fine on your own. You don’t need anyone to help you. You can handle everything by yourself and do it in silence.
No one will admit to being attracted to you in public. No, all you get from people (mostly men) is open ridicule. Well, that’s if you have the “unacceptable fatty” body. You know, the one with rolls where there shouldn’t be, a large stomach, breasts that are too small, and ass that isn’t large enough. Even the acceptable fat girls only get people willing to admit they want to fuck them. Fucking isn’t love.
Private messages are where the admissions of love, lust, and sex pour in like rain during a summer thunderstorm. That’s where everyone declares how much they love you and how beautiful you are. The compliments pour in, one after another, until you fall for it all. You enter a “relationship” and things seem great until the statements start. You know the ones.
“You know I love you, that should be enough.”
“We don’t need all that PDA stuff.”
“I’m not ashamed of you, I just don’t want someone to take you away.”
Love and affection are in abundance in private, but in public there’s barely an acknowledgement. You slowly come to realize you are nothing but a dirty little secret. Worshipped and adored in private, ignored and ridiculed in public. It’s confusing, maddening, depressing, and sickening all at once.
To be a fat girl, a Black fat girl, is to be loved and hated at the same time.