I am single. Unattached. Uninvolved. Not in a romantic relationship. Without a partner. I think you get my point. I have to keep saying that to remind myself that yes I am indeed on my own. It doesn’t help that my ex-husband keeps playing games, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. What I do want to discuss is the fact that for the first time in eleven years, I have no one to answer to but me.
I got into my last relationship 11 years ago this month. I went through a lot of firsts with that relationship. We ended up getting married and had two kids. I also learned a lot about myself during that time. After being with one person for so long, you kinda don’t know what to do after all that ends. For the longest time I felt lost as hell. Now, nine months later, it’s really hitting me that I can do whatever I want.
That is a powerful thought for me. I don’t have to answer to anyone. Well, no adults at least. I still have to consider my children and their well-being in every decision I make. That said, I feel like I can breathe again. Now I find that all I can think of is that one line from Spiderman, “with great power comes great responsibility”.
I suddenly feel very powerful and fully aware of myself and what I want and that is honestly kinda scary. Being in a relationship that long, I was able to pick out what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I wanted, what I didn’t want, what I needed, what I didn’t need, and formulate a list. Not a literal list, but you know what I mean. I’m able to better pinpoint what I need and want from a relationship.
Leaving also put me in a fucked up situation financially, but it gave me the freedom to say “fuck it, I’m doing what I want.” I’m lucky in that I have some type of support system that allows me to go through with what I want to do. I’ll still have to get a “day job” (fuck job searching forever), but I can still take this writing/blogging thing seriously.
I’m leaving the comfortable space I built for myself and stepping into the unknown. Nine months ago, I never would’ve thought about doing this. It would’ve been too much of a risk and I would’ve felt guilty for it. Now that I have no one to answer to but me, I feel free to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. I know I would have regretted it my entire life if I had never stepped out and given writing a try.
So, fuck it, I’m gonna do it and to hell with anyone who says I can’t. When I put my mind to something, in the words Beyoncé, “I dream it, I work hard, I grind ’til I own it”. Now I’m finally in a position where I can put that into practice without feeling guilty about it. There’s no telling what the future holds for me. I do know that whatever happens, it’ll be my decision.