Posted in 365 Days of Blogging

Day 82: Who listens to us?

How many people who claim to love the voices of poor people listen to people like me, a formerly homeless person and currently poor person? How many people actually listen to women on welfare or who have actually been on any type of welfare before? How many people actually pay attention to women without degrees? How many people take us seriously?

Don’t use us as pawns in your superiority game. We are not toys you can play with or cards you can bring out when you think you’re losing. We’re smart enough to know who is really there for us and who listens to us and who doesn’t. Don’t insult our intelligence.

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Day 81: Men and Honesty

I sometimes wonder how much easier things would be if men were more honest about what they wanted. Like, instead of playing emotional games with women and pretending they want real relationships, they instead were honest and said they just wanted sex. Instead of pretending to be completely monogamous, they admitted that they weren’t interested in a monogamous relationship with all potential partners.

Why doesn’t that happen more? Why play with people’s emotions and then claim the person you lied to and hurt is “crazy” or “delusional”? Why not be honest from the start and save yourself a lot of grief later? I mean, if you’re honest with people from the start you can weed out the people who aren’t interested in what you want. Being honest with yourself and others puts you on the path to living a truly drama free life.

Posted in 365 Days of Blogging, Personal, Sexuality

Day 80: Guilt, Attraction, and Exploration

Exploring my own sexuality was something I’d wanted to do for a really long time. I’d done it in bits and pieces here and there, but I had never really taken the time to figure out what I was really comfortable with or who I was actually attracted to. It’s a really common story, but part of that had to do with the guilt and shame from my Christian upbringing.

Growing up, it was just me and my mom. She wasn’t as religious as some of the other people we knew but she did make sure I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday (can’t miss Bible study). The churches I went to growing up were pretty conservative so even the limited amount of time I spent in them was more than enough to instill a sense of fear and shame around sex and sexuality.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I was attracted to boys and girls at a really young age. I felt really guilty about it because the church said I should not find girls and pretty as I did. I was taught that if you felt that way there was something wrong with you and you should pray for help. So that’s what I did.

Continue reading “Day 80: Guilt, Attraction, and Exploration”

Posted in 365 Days of Blogging, Personal

Day 79: “Comparison leads to violence.”

The first time I heard this phrase, it touched a part of me that I honestly thought I had dealt with and put behind me long ago. Turns out, I was very wrong.

I have spent my whole life comparing myself to other people. My brother, my classmates, my friends, the people on television, everyone. If I wasn’t the “best” it wasn’t good enough. If I’m being completely honest, it’s something that I find myself still doing. I compare myself to other people my age and I view myself as a failure. Since I’m still in school, I don’t have a degree, and I’m definitely not going for a Ph.D., I think my life is a failure.

Comparing myself to others is drastically unhealthy and I know I shouldn’t do it but I do it anyway. That constant comparison has brought me nothing but depression, mental anguish, and more fear than one person should deal with on a daily basis. There were things that I wanted to do, that I loved to do, but I was too scared to do them because I was afraid I wouldn’t be the “best” at it.

The one question I’m currently asking myself is “why?” Why do I think I need that degree to be successful? Why do I think I have to be the “best” in order to do something? Why can’t I just be myself and be ok with that? Why do I feel the need to emulate the lives of others?

I don’t have a degree but I’m working towards one. I’m not the best writer in the world and that’s just fine. I didn’t have the best or easiest life, but you know what? That life lead me to where I am now. That life gave me one hell of a unique perspective on life in general. I shouldn’t take that for granted.

So you know what? I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m going to stop the violence against myself and refrain from comparing myself to others. It won’t be easy and I may slip up from time to time, but I will stop. 2016 will be a fresh start for me. This small step will help me do just that.

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Day 78: “Gender Critical” was Ruined by TERFs

I find it so interesting that the “anti-gender”, “gender critical”, and “gender abolitionist” feminists are pretty much always transphobic/transmisogynistic. When I first heard those terms, my first thought was that these people rejected gender norms and a strict gender binary. I thought that these would be people rejecting the idea that penis = man and vagina = woman. 

I thought these would be people open to the idea of multiple different genders outside of the binary of men and women. I thought that these would be people accepting of different forms of gender expression too. I was really wrong. Turns out that TERFs just put a revolutionary sounding name on their usual bullshit. That’s so disappointing. I just hear these titles and I think of how awesome and inclusive and truly revolutionary it could be, but TERFs ruined it with their bullshit.

What if gender critical spaces were devoted to discussing and dismantling the gender binary? What if gender critical spaces were devoted to supporting and lobbying for trans/genderqueer/nonbinary/bigender/agender/etc people? What if gender critical spaces supported alternative forms of gender expression and encouraged ppl to explore their own gender and expression of it?

The world would be one hell of a better place if that were true, but alas, TERFs have poisoned the well.

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Day 77: No One Should Live In Poverty

No one.

Not one person.

I don’t care if you’re working 15 hours a week or 40 hours a week or not working at all. Everyone, including young single moms and/or with no degree, deserve to live comfortably. They don’t deserve poverty. No one does. If you’re making arguments that some people deserve to live in poverty because reasons, you’re an asshole.

There’s absolutely no reason for anyone to not be able to afford basic necessities like food, shelter, clothing, and healthcare. Poverty is something people made and it’s something we can fix.

Posted in 365 Days of Blogging

Day 76: CBT and Me

So, as detailed in this post, CBT stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. It focuses on goal setting, the present, and the future rathter than things that happened in your past. I’ve been going through this kind of therapy for around five to six months now and it’s been going well. it’s getting to the point though where I feel like I’ve gotten everything I could out of it. At the same time, I don’t feel like I’m done with therapy as a whole.

The short term, goal setting was fine at first. It helped center myself and get me on what I feel like is a good path. I pushed myself to do things I thought I’d never do and helped me not give up on them when things got rough. That said, I feel like it’s not enough.

Anyone who knows me or has read some of my posts here, knows I have been though a lot in my life. I’ve been through more than one person probably should ever go through in such a short lifetime. That said, I always downplay everything that’s happened to me because I truly belive other people have had it worse. I’ve also blocked out most of the worst bits and refuse to discuss or deal with it for reasons I’m not even that sure of.

That’s why I feel like I need to swich the type of therapy I’m doing to something that will address my past. I have a lot of unresolved issues lingering there and I finally feel ready to confront them. I don’t know what kind of therapy I need, but hopefully I’ll find something that’s right for me.