So, for those of you who don’t know (there aren’t many of you), one thing I was diagnosed with is bipolar disorder. (I say “one thing” because, oh boy, there’s more!) With bipolar disorder you have manic and depressive phases.
During my manic phases I’m full of energy, want to do all the things and have all of the ideas and think I’m the best person in the world. The depressive phases are the exact opposite. I have no drive or desire to do anything, my energy levels are so low I find it hard to drag myself out of bed, and I think I’m the worst person to ever exist and everyone secretly hates me.
Without my medication, my moods are up or down. Like flicking a light switch, I’m either on or off. There is no in-between. My medication is like installing a dimmer switch. I can slowly go up and slowly come down and experience all the emotions in the middle.
Being able to think rationally for the first time is like coming out of a dream. You look back on all your previous actions and can pinpoint all the ones made during manic and depressive phases. It sheds new light on the things you’ve done throughout your life, but it has a shitty side effect. You begin to second guess everything.
There are so many things I want to do in my life, but now I wonder if I want to do them because I truly want to or because I’m entering a manic phase. A consequence of that is me being hypercritical of everything I do. For instance, remember that queer café idea? I’m scared shitless to do it or even look into if it’s possible because I’m convinced that was a “manic time” idea. Or how about my story idea? I’ve literally written parts of it and I still think it’s all shit.
My medication lets the more rational bit of my brain peek through and say “hey, you’re being ridiculous right now”, but the thoughts are still there. It’s like I said before, the medication helps turn what used to be a boulder into a pebble, but it won’t go away completely. I’m likely stuck with the second guessing for life, but at least it’s getting better. That’s all I can really ask for.
If you go home with a guy, you obviously want to have sex
If you drink the alcohol he offers, you obviously want to have sex
Guys giving women copious amounts of strong alcohol so they have sex with them isn’t rape
Stop defending “skankass hoes”
Women should be “more intelligent” if they want to avoid rape
If you don’t want to be in “that type of situation,” don’t put yourself in that type of situation
Why were you out at night by yourself
Why were you wearing that dress/skirt/shirt
Women who wear those things want that attention
Women can’t rape men
Women can’t rape other women
That makes you a rape apologist. You are part of rape culture. You are part of the reason why it is so pervasive. You are part of the reason why people don’t believe victims and side with rapists or give them the benefit of the doubt. You are the problem here. You need to change.
Today, as the title implies, I have simply run out of steam. I have no desire to write the things I need to write. That’s annoying to say the very least. Maybe one day soon I’ll get that drive back, but I definitely don’t have it today.
I’m tired today, so I’ll simply leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Malcolm X. I first heard it on the Black Power Mixtape, which I still believe is on Netflix. Go check it out if you can.
As long as a white man does it, it’s all right. A Black man is supposed to have no feelings. But when a Black man strikes back, he’s an extremist. He’s supposed to sit passively and have no feelings. Be nonviolent and love his enemy no matter what kind of attack, be it verbal or otherwise, he’s supposed to take it. But if he stands up in any way and tries to defend himself, then he’s an extremist.
Oh Damien, how I love you so. I love him so much that, while I’ve played many Hawkes, he is my canon. I wrote out his life story before the blight hit and it’s (in my humble opinion) one of the best things I’ve ever done. So here it is, the backstory for Damien Hawke.
My dear Damien Hawke. He led a very interesting life even before the Blight hit and he fled to Kirkwall with his family.
The Hawkes were no strangers to moving. In 9:18 Dragon, when Bethany and Carver were just six years old, Bethany showed signs of magic for the first time. They were living in West Hills and all the children were playing outside. Damien was a very outgoing child and always had a large group of friends. Carver wanted to be just like his big brother and always tagged along behind him.
Bethany on the other hand was a quiet child. She was content to simply sit in a field of flowers and enjoy the fresh air and quiet. Some of the neighborhood trouble makers had come by to bother her on this particular day. She got so mad from the teasing that tiny sparks shot from her fingers and shocked the little boys. They immediately pegged her as a mage and ran off to tell their parents. Bethany ran home as fast as she could to tell her father, Malcolm, what had happened. They immediately packed up everything they could and moved to Honnleath.
While bored and dicking around on Teespring, a question popped into my head. Where is the Teespring for fat people? Where’s the Teespring for XL or XXL and up?
That’s something that I really think is necessary. I wanna make shirts for my fellow fat people. I’d love to make a “Fat, Loud, & Proud” shirt, but it would come in sizes below a XL. I could totally see someone who wears a small buying that for shits and giggles and that would really hurt my heart.
I want us fat people to have a fun little platform that makes shirts just for us. If that exists somewhere, let me know. I’d buy and sell shit from there in a heartbeat. If it doesn’t exist, someone smarter than me needs to get on that and cut me in on the profit. It’s my idea so I deserve a cut.
A lot of people try to make the comparison of “well you wouldn’t like it if I said _____ about black people,” but that doesn’t hold water. Stereotyping of PoC has been used historically by white people to dehumanize and devalue our lives. Stereotyping of Black people is one of the main reasons why cocaine is illegal. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this: