Nothing really interesting happened to me today and nothing really sparked my interest, so I decided to comb the internet for a writing prompt. Here’s what I found.
What Role Does Procrastination Play in Your Life?
The short answer is, a major one. I freely admit I’m really good at procrastinating. I take no pride in this. It’s one of my major flaws that I’m trying hard to work on. My procrastination is born out of my perfectionism and fear of failure.
Ever since I was a kid, everyone expected so much out of me because I was”so smart”. I was so smart in fact, that anything below a B was deemed a failure. Well, at least in my eyes it was. I didn’t even really like getting Bs. I wanted perfection. I wanted all As. What I was horrified of getting was an F.
For me, an F meant failure and failure meant the end of everything. It meant I was useless and an idiot. It meant I was a fool for trying and everyone would know what a fraud I was. It meant my ignorance would come to light and everyone would hate me for tricking them in to thinking I had any intelligence. Needless to say, I was terrified of getting an F.
That’s probably why my first attempt at college failed so spectacularly. I messed around and got my first F and holy fuck did it send me in a spiral of depression and self-hatred. It was really bad. This isn’t about my fear of failure though, it’s about procrastination.
My procrastination is a result of my “all or nothing” mentality. It’s either 100% or 0% with me. When things are easy, I get them done quickly and efficiently. In school, I was able to do that with subjects like math and science. That came naturally to me. When things got tough, my brain would kick in and say “this is impossible, do not attempt.” So I’d put it off. I do the easy stuff, take breaks, watch tv, read a book, take a nap, and before I knew it time was up. I’d put off that tough item so much that I just never did it at all.
I was somehow able to get away with that in high school, but I quickly learned in college that wasn’t gonna cut it. That didn’t stop me from trying though. The procrastination thing has become a habit with me. I’m trying to break it, but after doing it for so long it’s proving hard to do. Maybe one day I can kick the habit for good, but for now all I can do is try.