So, for those of you who don’t know (there aren’t many of you), one thing I was diagnosed with is bipolar disorder. (I say “one thing” because, oh boy, there’s more!) With bipolar disorder you have manic and depressive phases.
During my manic phases I’m full of energy, want to do all the things and have all of the ideas and think I’m the best person in the world. The depressive phases are the exact opposite. I have no drive or desire to do anything, my energy levels are so low I find it hard to drag myself out of bed, and I think I’m the worst person to ever exist and everyone secretly hates me.
Without my medication, my moods are up or down. Like flicking a light switch, I’m either on or off. There is no in-between. My medication is like installing a dimmer switch. I can slowly go up and slowly come down and experience all the emotions in the middle.
Being able to think rationally for the first time is like coming out of a dream. You look back on all your previous actions and can pinpoint all the ones made during manic and depressive phases. It sheds new light on the things you’ve done throughout your life, but it has a shitty side effect. You begin to second guess everything.
There are so many things I want to do in my life, but now I wonder if I want to do them because I truly want to or because I’m entering a manic phase. A consequence of that is me being hypercritical of everything I do. For instance, remember that queer café idea? I’m scared shitless to do it or even look into if it’s possible because I’m convinced that was a “manic time” idea. Or how about my story idea? I’ve literally written parts of it and I still think it’s all shit.
My medication lets the more rational bit of my brain peek through and say “hey, you’re being ridiculous right now”, but the thoughts are still there. It’s like I said before, the medication helps turn what used to be a boulder into a pebble, but it won’t go away completely. I’m likely stuck with the second guessing for life, but at least it’s getting better. That’s all I can really ask for.