This has been my life as of late, and really any time I’m feeling stable. I’m so used to having bad things happen to me that I can’t enjoy the good times. It always feel fraudulent, like life is playing a joke on me. Instead of enjoying the good things that happen, I start to question everything. I look for the bad hidden inside the good. Eventually, it becomes some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy when a bad thing does eventually happen. I swear on everything I saw it coming from a mile away and allow it to crush my life.
The rational part of my brain tries to tell me that it’s just life. Bad things happen sometimes. So do good things. You gotta just take it as it comes, the bad and the good. The message rarely seems to get through. This time, however, I think it’s starting to stick. I just can’t do this to myself anymore. I have way too much to lose now. Yes, I’m scraping rock bottom, but I’m not there yet. I still have stuff to lose that I don’t wanna give up. I have to learn how to enjoy life as it is.