Posted in 365 Days of Blogging

Day 152: I’m lost.

I’m at the point (again) where I’m wondering just what the fuck I want to do with my life. I honestly have no idea.

Well, scratch that. I do have some idea.

I want to open a café or some type of safe space geared towards LGBTQ individuals. I want a place where queer people, especially queer PoC and queer kids/teens of color can come and be themselves. I sorta detailed this here.

In the past few weeks, this has been on my mind heavy, but I have convinced myself I can’t do it. I’ve convinced myself that I’m an idiot for even thinking about it.

I’m going through a divorce, I have two kids, I’m in college for a degree I’m not even sure I want, I’m behind on said coursework because I simply don’t wanna do it, and I have no job. I don’t even have a home I can call my own.

I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel right now and all I can think about is this lofty ass dream and it kills me. It kills me to know this will be one of the things that I will never do and will constantly wish I had done.

And I keep looking at the people with “rags to riches” stories and all I see are a sea of white (mostly white male) faces and I’m just like “this queer Black bitch has not one chance in hell.”

Where would I get the funding? Would I need business partners? Would anyone be willing to partner with me? How do you even run a business? Would I need a business degree? How long would that take me? How much debt would I be in? How would I pay it off? The list of questions is a mile long and it all stops me from doing the one fucking thing I want to do with my life.

I want to do this, not as some money-making venture, but because I want queer kids to have something I didn’t have. I want them to have somewhere safe to explore who they are and get accurate information about sex and love and life in general. I want a space where queer adults can connect, make friends, and just chill.

I want a lot of things. It’s sad that I’ll never get them.

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Author:

I'm a simple single mom living a complicated life.

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