Posted in 365 Days of Blogging

Day 207: Anxiety Sucks

Thing #857 I Hate About Anxiety: Feeling nervous/scared/nauseous about something you possibly, maybe did in the past. Two other sucky things about this feeling?

  1. You can’t remember what the hell you did to feel this way.
  2. You’re awake at night stressing.

Anxiety will have you convinced you did some ridiculous, embarrassing, not smart thing somewhere in your past but you’ll never pinpoint it. You’ll spend forever scanning though all the embarrassing mistakes you’ve ever made in a futile attempt to figure out what it was you did. You’ll never find it though. You’ll never find that *one thing* that made you feel this way. Have fun going through those memories through!

Even if you do find a specific *thing* in your past that you feel is the reason you’re anxious, what’s the point? It’s the past. You can’t change it. You know this. You objectively know this, but try telling that to your brain. Once anxiety takes hold, there’s no telling your mind that what you’re doing, the constant stressing over the past, is ridiculous.

You know you don’t have a time machine. You know you can’t go back and *fix* it, but you still stress over it. Worst bit is, what you’re stressing over might’ve happened over a decade ago and all other parties involved have forgotten about it. Not you though. You remember it in excruciating, highly over-exaggerated detail. Even if other parties do remember, they remember it as something minor. You, however, remember it as THE WORST THING EVER.

You can tell yourself that you’re being ridiculous, that you just need to not think about it, but you can’t stop. No matter how hard you try you cannot stop, so you feel guilty about not being able to stop and even more embarrassed about the thing. It’s like water circling the drain. You just go further and further down the hole.

That’s why a lot of us with severe anxiety need meds. It calms our brains down and allows the rational side to kick in and say “stop it.” The meds help us to stop stressing over shit we did 15-20 years ago and allow us to live in the moment. That’s why you don’t tell people with anxiety “don’t think about it”, “stop it”, or that they don’t need medication.

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I'm a simple single mom living a complicated life.

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