The idea sends me into a spiral of anxiety. Why? Because I carry so much baggage and I’d have to explain some, if not most of it to a potential partner. The biggest of them all being the whole mental illness thing. The stigma around mental illness is strong. Finding someone who would accept my borderline, bipolar, anxiety ridden ass would not be easy. They’d probably get scared, run away, and then explain to all of their friends how “crazy” I was. That kind of rejection would suck majorly. I don’t wanna be the “crazy ex-girlfriend”. So I’ve decided to avoid the whole process.
I’m coming out of a seven year marriage and ten year relationship. Add that to the fact that I’m only 28 and, well, that’s a hell of a long time to be attached to someone. Why should I go rushing into another relationship? I don’t need another partner right now (especially not a straight guy) complicating my life. Hell, I don’t even wanna date around. For the first time in forever, I’m enjoying my solitude.
I had no idea how good it felt to be alone and now that I do, I don’t wanna give that up. So I won’t. All of that said, this could be an attempt by my brain to avoid rejection by rejecting myself before anyone else can. I prefer to look at the better and brighter side of things though. That’s also a sign I’m getting better. I’m actually being an optimist for once. That’s new for me. I think I like it.