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How To Apologize

Let’s take a second to talk about apologies. A lot of y’all use that word but have no idea what you’re talking about. When you hurt someone and apologize, your apology should not center around you and how bad you feel. This isn’t about you. If you’re apologizing to a person, your apology should focus on them and how you won’t hurt that person again. Also, if your apology has “I’m sorry if you” or “I’m sorry you were” in it, you’re probably doing it very wrong.

“I’m sorry if you were offended by my super racist comedy video.” <– Not an apology.

“I’m sorry if you were hurt by me calling my Black friend a n**ger.” <– Not an apology.

“I’m sorry if you were offended by my sexist, horribly done satire.” <– Not an apology.

After you make an apology, whether it’s a good one or bad one, you are not “owed” forgiveness. If the person you’re apologizing to doesn’t want to forgive you, they don’t have to. You also don’t have any right to demand they do. If the person you’re apologizing to doesn’t want to acknowledge your apology, they don’t have to. You don’t have the right to demand anything from the person you are apologizing to. They owe you nothing.

A real apology is not about making you feel better or making you look good. A real apology is about acknowledging that you caused hurt and pain. A real apology is about identifying the mistake you made, looking at the aftermath of that decision, and learning from it. A real apology is about adjusting your behavior so that your mistake is not repeated again. Apologies, real apologies, should always be backed up with actions.

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I'm a simple single mom living a complicated life.

4 thoughts on “How To Apologize

  1. “A lot of y’all use that word but have no idea what you’re talking about.”
    Ok lets see. An apology is something that should be sincere. If you hurt a good friend or someone that didnt deserve it, they deserve a sincere apology. Or if you got into a fight with someone and both of you are stubborn but you feel bad, then be the bigger man and actually apologies so both of you can talk about it like reasonable people. Oh wait I can sum this all up: We are talking about Basic Human Decency.

    “Also, if your apology has “I’m sorry if you” or “I’m sorry you were” in it, you’re probably doing it very wrong.”
    First, I doubt that you are the spokesperson on how one can form their apology and second, yes those kind of apologies are always a double edged sword. But, it really depends on the situation. For most cases, yea they quite questionable.

    ““I’m sorry if you were offended by my super racist comedy video.””
    So, this is about Pewds.
    ““I’m sorry if you were hurt by me calling my Black friend a n**ger.””
    Not Pewds?
    ““I’m sorry if you were offended by my sexist, horribly done satire.””
    So it is Pewds?
    Gurl, you have to keep your points straight so people dont get confused. Ok jokes aside, yes all of these arent apologies. But I am pretty sure that the people who apologized didnt say it like that. Context is key. If you would tell me that the person who said that thing that you were offended by apologized like this, I have to say: Screw you. Why? Because noone is that stupid.

    Was the comedy video really racist? Or did you simply get offended by it because it did something you happened to dislike? Not everything said today by a white man is racist towards any other given ethnicity.

    And for the second one, excuse me but why are you offended for someone who isnt offended? If I and my black buddy call each other N**ger and we both are fine with that, why are you the one offended by us doing that? It has nothing to do with you. It also has nothing to do with you if he would be offended by it. if he is offended by it, he will tell me and I will not call him that ever again. Because he has taken it as an insult. However this doesnt seem to be the case. Or am I wrong?

    Satire, as well, is satire. There is no horrible way of doing Satire. Satire is meant to get your brain to work. Satire is meant to piss you off. To get you to think. Satire can be many many things. Because it is meant to show of how bad it can get and how stupid it actually is. For instance, there is a Satire video on the Youtube Heroes program that portraits it as Hitlers Wet Dream. Because honestly, that is what it was.

    “After you make an apology, whether it’s a good one or bad one, you are not “owed” forgiveness.”
    Right. But if you are friends and the apology is sincere then the friend will most likely forgive you for it, unless the friend isnt really a friend anymore and couldnt care less about you. Similar to a strange. However, you know what else you are not owed? An apology in the first place. Of course, context matters here. So if you were insulted by a random stranger he is most likely not going to apologize to you unless you both are talking to each other from now on, on a regular basis. Otherwise, you probably wont even see him/her again. A friend however, if he really feels bad about it and if he knows that you didnt deserve it should apologise. But if he doesnt feel bad and does think that you deserve it, then why should he apologise? In the context of “You deserved it.” He did nothing wrong but being rude. In the context of “You didnt deserve it” He is a bad person or stuck in his ideology.

    “They owe you nothing.”
    Right. They owe YOU nothing either.

    “A real apology is not about making you feel better or making you look good.”
    Wrong and right. First, it is about making you feel better. But not in the sense of just feeling better because now you apologized. In the sense of, you apologized and were able to actually talk about it and make it better. And second, yes it isnt about making you look good. But, show me one person that does it because of that. Show me one person that is so corrupted that he or she only apologises so that he or she may look good. Please show me.

    “A real apology is about acknowledging that you caused hurt and pain.”
    Ahm, no. The apology comes after that. If you havent acknowledged that before you apologize you basically are simple apologizing to make yourself look good. It wont be a sincere apology.

    “A real apology is about identifying the mistake you made, looking at the aftermath of that decision, and learning from it.”
    This has literally nothing to do with an apology. It has to do with you being a decent human being, knowing that you did something bad, seeing how bad it got and learning to not do this to the people you love again. *Looks at the upper point* Wait a minute this is literally the same point!

    “A real apology is about adjusting your behavior so that your mistake is not repeated again.”
    Ahm, no. Again, this comes BEFORE the apology. If you dont already think that way, then the apology means nothing. Plus, “so that your mistake is not repeated again”, that has nothing to do with an apology. That is basic human decency.

    “Apologies, real apologies, should always be backed up with actions.”
    Well finally we can agree on something. However the actions you portraied have nothing to do with the basis of a sincere apology. You today have proven that YOU are the one who doesnt know what an apology means.

    Addendum:
    When I said above that it really depends on the situation, I meant that. For instance, the apology could be sincere even if the person to apologize gives reasoning as to why he did it. A situation can derail in any way. It can be triggered by anything (And I am using Triggered in its generalised term btw). Giving someone a reason as to why it happened simply helps the situation so on both ends it may not happen again.

    So how do you apologise? Well, if you feel bad for what you have done to someone and you mean it go up to them and talk to them about it. Dont just say sorry, talk to them about it and make sure that it comes to an end that acceptable for both. When a situation derailed, it wont just go away. Especially when it happened with a friend. Sometimes, grass need grow.

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    1. I just…

      I literally never mentioned PewDiePie’s name. This wasn’t about him. At all. That’s why I never mentioned him or his “apology”. This is literally a tweet thread I wrote on September 26, 2014. Don’t believe me? Here’s the thread –> https://twitter.com/TheAngryFangirl/status/515483173690834944

      I just… The fact that you sat there and wrote 1,192 words in defense of a youtuber who was NEVER MENTIONED IN THE POST is mind-boggling. Did you really have nothing better to do with your life?

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      1. Ok honestly? Where did I say that I defended Pewds?
        I made a joke. But I guess that is your overall problem here. That you get many things when it comes to comedy and humor wrong nowadays. I even said: “Jokes aside.”
        I made it quite obivous that it was a joke.

        What I wrote wasnt meant to defend Pewds. What I wrote is my opinion on what you said. But the situation is still so heated that it literally couldve been for the very same thing which is why I thought, a Joke to lighten the mood, would be best.

        Like

      2. One thousand, one hundred and ninety two words. Did you really think I was gonna read a “comment” that was FOUR TIMES THE LENGTH of the original post? Why not just write your own blog post on your own blog, tumblr, somewhere? I’m just… Why?

        Like

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