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Jesus Was A Dick As A Kid

If the Infancy Gospel of Thomas is to believed, Jesus was kind of a dick as a kid. My favorite stories about Jesus are contained within this Gnostic text that was not included in the Bible. It has a lot of interesting stories, but my favorite starts off with Jesus and a few kids playing on a roof.

The building Jesus and his friends were playing on was two stories tall. One kid was messing around and pushed another kid. That child fell off the roof and died. The rest of the kids saw this, got scared, and they ran. Jesus was the last one left on the roof. The parents of the dead kid heard about what happened and ran up to the building. They saw their child dead on the ground and Jesus standing on the roof alone.

They make the assumption that Jesus was the one who threw the kid off the and they were (quite obviously) pissed. Jesus jumped down from the roof of the two-story building and landed by the dead kid’s (Zeno) head.

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Christians Don’t Want Jesus

Last week I decided to re-read the New Testament of the Bible. I had actually been considering this for a while now, but a tweet I saw confirmed my decision. I can’t remember the exact quote, but the general gist of it was that Jesus never fought for social issues. I was taken aback that someone, particularly someone who called themselves Christian, would say something such as that. From what I remembered of the Bible, it was quite clear that Jesus was all about social issues.


That got me thinking about what Jesus really was and was not about. We have a book filled to the brim detailing what Jesus did and did not like. It’s also filled to the brim with his own thoughts and words. You can even get one that has all of Jesus’ words written out in red ink to make it even easier to see. (The man was very loquacious.) Maybe, I thought, I was the one who was remembering things wrong and Jesus wasn’t the man I imagined him to be. With that in mind, I decided to crack open a Bible for the first time in years and take a good look at Jesus’ words and work.

As it stands, I’m pretty early in my readings of the New Testament. As I read though, I’m swiftly coming to the conclusion that Christians don’t really want Jesus.

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My Body Is Not A Fetish

So I know I’m kinda beating a dead horse, but I saw that post from the guy who just loves his wife’s “curvy body” and it got me thinking. Specifically, it got me thinking about the types of men who “love” (love is in quotes for a reason) fat women’s bodies. They fall in a few different categories.

The Revolutionary

First up is what I like to call the “Revolutionary”. He’s usually a “feminist” of some sort and he thinks his “love” of a fat woman is, well, revolutionary. He thinks he’s tearing down the patriarchy and societal expectations all on his own by daring to fuck a fat woman. He’s known for saying things like “I love her in spite of her curves/size”. He’s the king of backhanded compliments. The “fat” woman he usually goes for is actually average size for the US woman, but she’s fat in his eyes because she doesn’t have a body like Gisele Bündchen.

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Democrats and Abortion Access

So the Democratic campaign chairman recently came out and said that Democrats would be willing to fund candidates who oppose abortion rights. They are courting so-called “pro-life” Democrats. Isn’t that the exact opposite of what they’re supposed to be doing? Like, are they trying to lose most of their base?

That’s what it feels like, because what the base is hearing, basically, is they’re willing to fund candidates who oppose access to healthcare. Abortion is healthcare, it’s reproductive healthcare, so you want people who oppose a vital form of healthcare. That makes absolutely no sense. Like, I’m no political scientist, but this seems like a very not-smart move.

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A Word On Relationships Both Monogamous and Non-Monogamous

So a lot of people have discovered (?) polyamory and have deemed it the “new wave”.

“Why have one girlfriend when you can have two?” A tweet recently proclaimed. They went on to say that there’s “no secrets, no cheating, no sneaking around.” That’s not the case though. All of that can, and sometimes does, happen within polyamorous relationships.

That’s the problem with a lot of men (heterosexual men in particular). They think polyamory means “extra maid for the house”. They hear open relationship and think “have sex with whoever I want, whenever I want without consequences and have old reliable on standby”. It doesn’t really work like that.

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On The Accessibility Of Your Political And Literary Faves

Hey guess what?

A lot of your political faves don’t appeal to the masses because their writing is horrifically inaccessible. The same goes for those “literary classics” you love to gush over. The writing is just too damn dense. When every other word is some six or more letter SAT word and you have to stop and look up every other concept mentioned? It’s too much.

“You haven’t read [insert author here] so you know nothing!”

Well actually, I probably do know a fair bit about the mechanics of what you’re talking about. I just don’t have the flowery language. Look. Small, simple, easy to understand words are your friend. There’s nothing “stupid” about using easy to understand language.

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On the Liberals Currently Laughing at North Carolina

We need to have a talk.

Do I feel sorry for individual Trump voters? No.

Do I feel sorry for the entire states & millions of innocent people they fucked over? Yes.

I’m sick and tried of people trying to get me to feel sorry for Trump voters. They knew what they were voting for. We have proof now that it was racism, excuse me “cultural anxiety”, that caused people to vote Trump.

Trump told people what he was going to do. People, knowing what he was going to do, voted for him anyway. In the process, they fucked over MILLIONS of people and WHOLE DAMN STATES.  Millions of people are being detained and deported because of him. He tried to ban entry to millions of people. His lackeys are going after healthcare and reproductive rights.

How did we get here? Voter suppression and white Trump voters. That’s how we got here. The GOP launched a coordinated effort to disenfranchise the poor, students, and PoC (especially Black people). This is no conspiracy theory. Don’t believe me? Read this.

We tried, oh my Lord did we try, to tell y’all that this was happening. We tried to warn you of the consequences. Instead, what did you do? Your normal shtick of writing us off as a “lost cause” while making fun of us. So when election time came, just like we said, our states, some of which were swing states (NC was one) went red.

Here’s the real kicker, most of them went red by VERY small margins. NC was 50.5% Trump to 46.7% Hillary. That’s close. When you do the math, that’s a difference of only 177,529 votes. That’s how much he took our state by. Like I said, close. My point is, NC is one of those states that went red by a narrow margin. A margin which possibly tilted that way because of voter suppression.

The state GOP (which Dems donated over $10,000 to) fucked us over. Trump voters fucked us over. Voter suppression fucked us over. Gerrymandering fucked us over. They are the reasons NC went red.

Cut to now and  we are recovering from Hurricane Matthew. NOAA estimated that the damage done to the state was around $1.5 billion. The governor requested $929 million. The Trump administration is only giving us $6.1 million. That’s around one percent of what was asked for.

Look at photos of the devastation that hurricane caused and then go back and examine those numbers. Then, when you’re done, I want you to explain to me like I’m TWO how an entire state deserves to suffer because of what the GOP did. Explain to me how people deserve to have their livelihoods ruined because their neighbor possibly voted for Trump.

Your “well, votes have consequences” tweets are NOT funny. They’re especially not funny when we’re talking about an entire damned state struggling to survive under a GOP that don’t give a damn. And do you know what really fucking hurts? You expect the GOP to not give a damn. They only care about themselves.

What you don’t expect is the party that positions itself to be better to start reveling in the fact that your people are suffering. Democrats/Liberals/Leftists, whatever you want to call yourselves, claim to be the moral superior to the Right/Republicans, but look at them. Watch as they laugh and joke and tweet that we deserve the pain, the suffering, the death we get because “your state went red”. You do this and then you wonder “why won’t people vote for us?”

“Why don’t people trust us?”

“Why are they so mean to us?”

Look. At. Yourselves. You think we deserve what we get? Oh no honey. It’s you who deserves every bit of distrust that comes your way.

And that’s me done ranting because I hate you motherfuckers, I really do, and I wish I could punch you all.